Friday 23 October 2009

part of my re-building process in myself is to be a strong Christian mom,wife and woman. so at the moment i am googling to find some women bible studies, if you have any suggestion please let me know, but for the meantime heres what i found:

http://www.jamesknox.com/pdf/holywomen-english.pdf

http://www.juliabettencourt.com/devotionals.html
I don't know where to begin as i type this...

basically i am at my lowest....

i have been diagnosed by the doctor that i am suffering from depression,
last Saturday i felt like i lost control of my life,

i have an amazing husband, two wonderful children, a beautiful home, everything is good, a least i seems but...

i am still left feeling numb inside, empty and..

if i was to describe where i am at the moment i would say..

i am stood at he bottom of a big tall mountain, i have to take steps to get to the top and once i am at the top then i will find me .

you see, my childhood hasn't always been great, I'm a grown woman, mom and wife but my mother still tries to control me, pushes me down, stamps on my happiness, makes me feel worthless, makes me feel like i am a little girl and i havent grown up...

i look at the family i was in before i me my husband i now i can see how i fitted in, you see my mom had an affair with a married man, she fell pregnant with me, the said married man didn't want to know, my mom had me. two years later she met a man from another country, two weeks later she married him. she went on have a boy and a girl to him. the man she married didn't behave towards me as he should have, my mom took his side...

so theres a circle, inside it is my mom, her husband, my half brother and half sister, outside the circle theres me...

even now as i approach my 30Th birthday my mom still tries to control me, we live 400 miles apart and still she tries to control me, put me down...

how many times have i wished i had a real mom, but the best thing i can do is be the mom that i wish i had...

so after everything that has happened to me, i have tried to push it to the back of my mind for nearly 10 years, Ive been the doting daughter only to get hurt, last Saturday night my mind said enough is enough this stops now!

so my doctor has prescribed anti-depressant tablets and i am waiting for an appointment through the post to see a councillor...

but you know what, silly and foolish me didn't ask the Lord to help me, i didn't lean on Him, but trust me i am clinging to Him with all my might!

and as i am at my lowest i fell i can hear the Lord say 'its OK, I will build you back up, i will restore you'

i know that when i come out of the end of this i am no going to be the same person i was before it

Kat
x



p.s

my husband brought me flowers in today, it brought a smile to my lips